(I originally wrote this as a long form Facebook post but thought I’d put it up here on the blog as well.)
I was exchanging WhatsApp voice messages with my cousin yesterday and we were joking about all the New Year shit going around (since we love us some social media). The whole ‘New Year! New You! 2017: Your best year YET! #BeBoldin2017 #BeBravein2017 #Stabyourselfintheeyeballsin2017!’
I get that the New Year is like a blank slate, like the brain of a young child, before it watches Pet Cemetery late at night when everyone is asleep. It’s a fresh easel on which to finger paint your masterpiece.
Out with the old! In with the new!
Last year sucked balls. Brexit. Trump. Accidentally sexing your neighbour with the webbed feet.
It was the WORST. Ugh. How awful it was to even have been alive and breathing oxygen through our nostrils that whole time? We should have just sat it out, jumped into a human-sized ice tray, to be thawed out in a giant glass of Chardonnay at the dawn of 2017.
If you’re reading this it’s probably because you’re looking to the Year of the Rooster to complete you, so without further ado:
1. Shave off all your hair. Shave every last freaking strand! You want fresh? You got it! Nothing says blank slate like feeling the wind on your medulla oblongata.
2. Better yet! Last year was such a shit storm and what you need is closure, player. So burn everything you own, including the clothes on your body. (But don’t be dumb like 2016 was. You need to take them off first.)
3. Smile at strangers! (Make sure you’re wearing clothes when do, after having burning yours. Otherwise you’ll probably be arrested and your freshly shaved ass will be spending 2017 in jail.)
4. Tell all your friends and family that you’re a new person; that you’ve been bathed in the fresh light of the new year; you’re changing your name to Queen Agnes the Third, you’re moving to Guam and everyone better get on board.
5. Every morning ask yourself “What would 2016-ME do?” And then go and do the exact opposite. Because last year was a ballsack. Remember how you got up every day and went to work so that you could afford bread? LAME. Don’t do that. If you communicated using words in 2016 mime instead. If you used to take the bus to the gym, take a hovercraft. Wait. That was a trick. And you failed! You shouldn’t even be going to the gym. Sweating is for sweaty losers.
6. Remember to always say ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘make that a double’. People in 2016 were rude AF but people in 2017 are well-mannered.
7. Dance like no-one is watching. But secretly record yourself and then put that video on the YouTube.
8. Read a book. With words. You need some inspiration coursing through your loins if this year isn’t going to completely stink.
9. Do one thing every day that scares you. Go play with a crocodile or watch The Exorcist with your eyelids taped open.
10. Write down your New Year’s Resolutions in blood. On your bedroom wall. You need to stop dicking around. And what better way to say I am going to kill this year (with my bare hands) than a classy haemoglobin motif above your sleeping face.
Now go out there and rock the pants off the next 365 days (minus the days that have already passed because they were stupid anyway and they don’t count). Or you can throw away this list and go have a nap because you look exhausted and I think you’re fabulous just the way you are.
(Or you have anything you liked to add to the list? Jump over to my Facebook page to let me know.)